I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I can't turn off my feet"
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
