I didn't shave. On purpose
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Randomize
