Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
