somebody snuck up and got me drunk
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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