Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
