I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
Randomize
