every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
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