I don't know. The next thing I remember we were in the walmart parking lot making out.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
