If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
Randomize
