I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
Randomize
