apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
Randomize
