You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Randomize
