can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
