I'm jealous of your bromance
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Randomize
