I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
