I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
