I got chris browned last night
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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