Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
