You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Randomize
