I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
