i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
Randomize
