Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
Jerry, you need to find god
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
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