I think we need to take a brake
What upsets me the most about that is that you spelt it 'brake'
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
