I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
Randomize
