Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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