Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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