It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
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