I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
