woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Randomize
