i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Randomize
