After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Randomize
