they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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