Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
