Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
stalking is really helping my grade.. I followed him to a review session tonight
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
