In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Randomize
