Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
