I am midnight drunk by noon
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Randomize
