Plan B is the new Plan A
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
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