Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
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