I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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