I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
Randomize
