Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
Lots of explosions. Minor nudity. Full penetration and lots of tuxedos.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
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