i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize
