i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
