the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
