i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
