i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
