i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
I need to wash the frat house off of me
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Randomize
