Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
Randomize
