dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
